South African Trade Publisher of the Year 2016, 2017 & 2019

Search for your favourite author or book

People Who are Addicted to Sex

Information about the book
 
Chapter 1
 
About Sex Addiction
 
‘If you have to have an addiction, then that’s the one to have!’ – Anonymous
non-addict.
 
‘Is it the sex or the orgasm?’ – Cassandra, a 30-year-old sometime recovering alcoholic/ drug addict, and full-blown sex, romance, relationship and masturbation addict.
 
Cassandra’s question is a good one. But what if it’s neither? Because, of course,we are talking about addiction, where things are not always what they appear to be! Understanding sex addiction is difficult, not only for addicts,but for non-addicts as well.
 
The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders – the DSM as it is known – is the ‘holy grail’ as far as psychiatry and psychology are concerned. And even though each new edition often attracts huge criticism and concern from professionals within the helping field, it is fairly true to say that if a condition does not make it into the ‘bible’ for one reason
or another, then it certainly does not exist as far as the medical aids are concerned, and they will not pay for treatments. The International Classification
of Diseases, known as the ICD, is in its tenth edition and is published by the World Health Organization. It doesn’t list sex addiction as a disease
either. Each edition of the ICD and the DSM try to be congruent with each other – it works at some times better than others!Sex addiction has had something of a chequered past, as far as the
history of the DSM is concerned. It was only in the third revised edition  (1987) that sex addiction was mentioned for the first and only time! The
fifth edition (2013) was recently published and once again sex addiction was left out. What was, however, included was Internet addiction (page 63). This condition is, of course, associated with sex addiction.
Four sex addiction myths Before looking at a variety of case studies, which I hope will offer greater insight into sex addiction, I would like to dispel four of the most common,major sex addiction myths that continue to flourish..
 
1. ‘Sex addiction cannot be an addiction because nothing is ingested.’ Sex addiction is a process addiction, in which the person becomes dependent on sex or activities around sex. This causes the brain to
release neurotransmitters, which are chemical messengers and make one ‘feel good’.
 
2. ‘Sex addicts have a higher libido than other people and have to have sex all the time.’ Sex addicts usually have a sexual behaviour pattern that is totally outof control – it has nothing to do with libido.
 
3. ‘Women cannot be sex addicts.’ Even though this has improved over the years that I have been in practice, there is still resistance to seeing women as sex addicts.
Women are more easily seen as love addicts and relationship addicts, but sex addicts? Much harder! It is because of this denial that there are many female sex addicts who struggle to access the right kind of
assistance and treatment.
 
4. ‘All sex addicts are paedophiles and sex offenders.’ Most sex addicts are not paedophiles. Some may be sex offenders;some are not. And some paedophiles may be sex addicts. It is really
 
5 difficult to find figures in this regard because offenders do not necessarily seek help. The first time they usually enter the system, so to
speak, is when they get caught by the police. It was 1999 and I was head of counselling at one of the leading treatment centres in South Africa. A few years previously I had participated in a
Carte Blanche television episode on sex addiction. I remember saying, at the time, that sex addiction then (1997) was where Alcoholics Anonymous
was in the mid-1930s just after it was founded. It was struggling to find its voice in the midst of huge denial around alcoholism (in America and, indeed, most of the world).
 
The Carte Blanche episode was certainly the first to portray a picture of local sex addiction. However, as much as they tried to be gentle and
real – this was Carte Blanche, after all – it was still sensationalised. Still, it did give domestic viewers an opportunity to identify the addiction for
the very first time. For weeks – even months – afterwards, our telephones rang off the hook with potential addicts asking for help, albeit somewhat
timorously! A few months later, and as a direct result of the programme, Victoria and Sebastien arrived at the centre one chilly winter’s morning, and asked
for me. They hadn’t made an appointment and I was still facilitating one of our two group therapies for the morning. ‘No problem,’ said Victoria to
Luna, the receptionist, grimacing despite her seemingly obliging words. As soon as I was able, I called them in. They sat down and I was taken
aback by the huge, black energetic cloud of tension and stress that filled the room. It was that tangible. Victoria couldn’t – perhaps wouldn’t – look
at Sebastien and his head had just about shrunk down into his neck. Helooked like one of those moving-head dogs that I used to see in the backof cars when I was a child!
 
Wasting no time, Victoria spat out the all-accusing, ‘He’s a paedophile!’ Sebastien whispered, ‘I’m not,’ in such a soft voice I barely heard him. Victoria stood up, flung herself around and commanded, ‘Don’t you dare speak, just don’t!’ Her voice was slightly shaky! I asked Victoria to sit down, all the while reflecting the energy in the room. Somehow, while not calming her down completely, it did deflate her. She breathed deeply and began to talk at a runaway speed. ‘Three months ago, Sebastien was in his home office, “working”. Onlyhe left the door slightly ajar. I was talking to my mother on the phone and Daniel, my eight-year-old, wandered into Daddy’s room, which is usually 
 
6 strictly off limits.
He came running to me, very upset, so I put down the phone to go and see what the problem was. Well, I can’t even begin to explain to you —’ And she paused momentarily as if trying to garner more
strength from somewhere, before continuing, somewhat slower now. ‘He was so busy,’ and she pointed to Sebastien, ‘masturbating that he didn’t even hear Daniel or me come in. As I came closer, I could see what he was looking at.’ With that, her voice changed, her eyes filled with tears and she said, ‘The pictures were of young boys – like his son, some younger than
Daniel.’ Her voice drifted off into silence as though the weight of what she was conveying was too much.
 
She composed herself slightly and said, ‘I need you to help him please! We have been to other people and nobody can assist him. They don’tmunderstand this. We have been to a psychiatrist and he could only offer medication.’ And so she explained that they had tried various avenues but thus far, nothing had proved satisfactory. Then they remembered the programme on television. And now I was their only hope. Oh dear, thisfelt very weighty!
 
Nevertheless, I knew that I would take Sebastien on. He became my very first private client. He would talk about the purity of his interest in child erotica and ‘art’ and I would challenge him, speaking about addictionand child pornography.
 
He struggled like anything to hear me. His denial system was so extremely well entrenched! Over the years he had built up such an elaborate web of lies and half truths to justify his behaviour that he completely believed that what he was doing was okay; that he was not harming anyone, least of all the young boys who he leered and peered at. Any challenge to these beliefs would be met with fierce resistance. Sebastien and I worked together for quite some time, individually, as well as in group therapy.
 
For more information on this title or to purchase a copy of People Who are Addicted to Sex online, click here.